Worried about the coming rapture? Worry no more with the only app guaranteed to give you a pass to heaven! All you have to do is keep this application on your phone and when the raptor comes or you perish, whichever happens to comes first, you will automatically be admitted one free entry into heaven!
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FAQ
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Q: How do I know this is for real?!
A: Our developer, who is also a licensed minister, coded this application while bathing in a tub of holy water while only eating baked goods made by prepubescent choir children from the local community church bake sale. That officially makes this the most holy of holy apps. We would go as far to say that if the Pope did not already have an automatic free pass to heaven, that he would probably use our application to guarantee that he made it there in one piece. Our app is that awesome.
Q: So this will protect me from the oncoming rapture?
A: You bet your buns this will protect you from the next oncoming rapture. In fact we solemnly believe that if there really is a rapture and you survive it and live long enough to be there for the second rapture - which shall forever be known as the Super Rapture 5000 - that this application will even protect you from that!
Q: Awesome! But why did the baked goods have to baked by prepubescent choir children?
A: We are not scientist, but from what we are told the combined frequencies of all of their mind numbing high pitch squeaky voices does something magical to the baked goods which infused our developer/minister with magical church approved powers. Because of this we highly recommend supporting your local church bake sale whenever possible.
Q: What happens if the rapture never happens?!
A: Dude, tub full of holy water. We got you covered. In the off chance that the rapture never happens this application will be good for one use upon death. In fact, if you die and do not get in to heaven, we will gladly refund your money!
NOTE: There is no evidence of an actual Heaven. Your mileage may vary.
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TAGS: rapture, apocalypse, jesus, jebus, god, goa'uld, holy bible, end of the world, flying spaghetti monster, zombies
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Dec 15, 2013